Relic

I was rummaging through the old hard drive of this old PC that I have been using since college and found the write-up below. I have been meaning to submit it for the college paper just for the heck of it but never got to. Good thing too; it's one of those rare instances when you find some half buried relics of your past and have a blast reading it and laughing your guts out because it's so funny (unintentionally of course.) and pretentious and knowing full well that you were dead-serious about it being a contender for the Pulitzer while you were writing it. This is so hilarious. For me, though. Can't speak for whoever's reading this.

The following was written on Monday, February 28, 2000 8:49:59 PM. I was even into Megadeth  back then; Victor Rattlehead as a pseudonym? Not very subtle. But you have to admit, I was unto the whole zombie thing long before any interest of reviving the genre or George Romero's comeback feature became household names again...

Brain stew/Jaded
(with apologies to Green Day)

by Victor Rattlehead

I awoke with a start. The image was so real I can remember how the entire place smelled: it stank. It didn’t smell of the usual stink like sewage and garbage though, it smelled of corpses. A whole army of corpses and they were hungry.

The place was a huge military installation like those foreboding fortresses they show in the movies (it had a striking resemblance to the Harkonnen palace of David Lynch’s adaptation of Frank Herbert’s Dune). It had a major gas leak and all those working within an entire section of the plant was exposed to it. The whole compound was then systematically sealed off to prevent any leakage of potentially dangerous chemicals to the outside community and everyone inside was a virtual prisoner until the problem had been dealt with and corrected. Around this time, those who were dining in the cafeteria within that complex got the scare of their lives when a sudden blackout occurred. I was there, and that scared the piss out of me too. It was a nightmare straight out of a Grade-Z horror movie. It was one of those dreams where you feel like you’re only watching a movie yet in one bizarre way, also felt like you were in that movie. This version can put any home entertainment system to shame. The experience was more than just the 3D picture and the 3D surround sound THX or whatever you may want to call it. It was quality sound and picture plus the risk. Not to mention the picture quality was outstanding you’ll wish you were only using an 8-inch black and white TV.

So there was a blackout. And everyone in that cafeteria was a little jumpy thinking that some sort of radioactive fallout might occur(why the dream suddenly shifted to the cafeteria, I don’t know). A few minutes later, power came back and the place was again covered with the bluish-green light that is a staple for many horror films. One of the people, a fat woman in her late 40s gave a sigh of relief as she was standing by the glass-door entrance. She rested her head by the glass and closed her eyes in contentment. The glass beside her head exploded and bloody, powerful arms clasped her neck pulling her outside towards the vaguely-seen attacker. She screamed long and hard before the zombie that was a former scientist silenced her by burying his teeth at the top of her skull. The lady fell, half her head obliterated from the savagery of the attack. While the monster was having a meal, several people lost theirs. The place’s smell was soon the mixture of blood, corpse, puke, and the smelly burger patties they serve in the counter. Then all hell broke loose. A blitzkrieg of walking corpses stormed through the diner with the intensity of a tidal wave. What followed was a cacophony of scream and the guttural grunts that were the zombies’ sorry excuse for speech. “BRAIN!” demanded the cannibalistic horde, as they randomly eviscerated, tore, and ate everyone they could lay their hands on. A victim, driven into shock, watched with amazement as his stomach became a gory pile of intestines and innards. It practically became the dining table of three starved corpses, one of them was his friend and constant billiard companion. Someone fought back by throwing cream pies. I let out a small, uncomfortable chuckle. At least in this scene of gory carnage and graphic “portrayal” of cannibalism, my sense of humor was intact.

When you’re dreaming, it’s either you know it or you don’t. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t. I was just as terrified as the rest of the victims were, and I swear I think I scrapped my throat raw from screaming. I was there. And I think anybody with a similar experience (the dream pattern I mean) can empathize with what I went through. What made the experience a perfect candidate for the Twilight Zone was that I felt everything with my senses. I smelled the stink(worse than our septic tank), saw the carnage, heard the screams and splats, felt the unusual humidity and stumbled on a newly “ressurected” corpse. I even remember the taste of those godawful burgers there. The only difference with me is that I was ignored by the monsters. It’s insulting if you think about it. A three year old zombie kid I saw gnawing at her mother’s arm even offered me a bite. I graciously declined. Human meat is not something I’m crazy about and the entire place was not that conducive for eating, although the man-eating corpses everywhere seemed to have a great time chewing the night away. I walked out of that place in time to see the fat lady with the obliterated head was just getting up. She had the stance of someone who woke up from a coma and disoriented. She grabbed a hysterical woman by the hair and ate.

George Romero's Night Of The Living Dead, 1968

When I was a kid I thought the zombie was an idiot. It was a first class moron: slow movement, blank gaze, and almost harmless if you consider its capacity. Next to a vampire, the zombie was a joke. That perception changed when I watched the “Return Of The Living Dead” series. I was in the third grade and thought it was a one of those cheesy B-movie zombie flicks. I finished the movie and had to stop myself from wetting my pants. I had this terrible urge to get out of the house and live in the mountains; lest the residents of the nearby cemetery waken after some kind of exposure to a strange chemical. In the movie, a US Army-owned drum containing a special gas that seems to reanimate the dead was accidentally opened by two morons and, of all places to open it, let the gas loose inside a morgue. A corpse was exposed to it, and ran amok inside the place. The two morons somehow subdued the walking corpse and chopped it to pieces, then threw all of it to the incinerator. The smoke went up the atmosphere and joined in with some rain clouds. It rained in a nearby cemetery where some unfortunate group of biker punks were spending the night. Contaminated rain water then seeped into the graveyard soil and awakened the small community of the dead and everything else followed.

What scared me while watching the movie was that it shattered my every perception of the zombie as a moron. In the movie, not only can a zombie move fast, it can also talk and think, as opposed to the earlier movie-versions where they looked more like sleepwalking dolts than monsters. And anyone wounded by a zombie would eventually die of infection and become zombies themselves. Even if there’s only one zombie to start with, their population would geometrically increase with the number of their victims until an entire place is contaminated. Another thing that’s bothersome is their method of killing: sloppy, messy, gory, and savage. Vampires have class and style, with werewolves you die painlessly, but with zombies you’re in for a lot of pain (arms pulled out of their sockets, blood fountains, etc.). The zombies don’t mind whether it’s night or day, and there’s no central weakness for them too (burning them and damaging their heads seemed to work); try flashing a cross in front of its face and chances are it’ll bite it along with your arm. Silver bullets. Save it for yourself when you’ve nowhere else to run. In the movie, it took a nuclear weapon to clear the area. The scariest part of it is that the military developed the chemical for it. You may not realize it, but it seems very possible.

Imagine this scenario: The US Army wants to test whether they perfected the dead reanimating chemical for their supersoldier project. But they’re wary about glitches they might encounter and wouldn’t want the problem to happen in their own backyard so they pick a third world country with very weak diplomatic ties so they can bully it easily when the time comes. And by some cruel twist of fate, the Philippines landed on top of their list. An outpost is set-up in a remote barrio in Luzon and several scary-looking equipment are unloaded along with some new tenants for the undertakers. The test was about to commence when a mischievous boy accidentally opened three tanks and let the gas loose on the unsuspecting barrio. All the people got sick, died, and lived again (Resident Evil?). And while all of this was happening, a group of bakasyonistas bound for that place just looking for some peace and quiet unwittingly became the agents of doom. They stumble into the barrio, all except one were killed as the neighboring barangays were also invaded. The bakasyonista who got away was bitten in the arm. A small bite, but a few days after that he was confined to a hospital and eventually died. He lived in Manila. In case you didn’t know, it’s one of the densest hellhole this side of the country that has the greatest possibility of sinking because of too much people.

For what better reason do we cremate the dead if not for this?